so, how have you been lately?

I don’t think I will have a straightforward answer anytime soon, but here comes nothing.

so, how have you been lately?

I’ve been better. I’ve been worse. Right now, I’m in the middle like the grey area between black and white, feeling safer in the shadow of maybes. Life is somehow still flowing, sometimes slower and sometimes much quicker. In flowing with life, I flow with happiness and sadness. I have my bad days, which I try to wash away, and sometimes I have my good days, which I hold on to dearly. And as for now, I think, I’m okay with it.

so, how have you been lately?

Lately, I keep finding myself failing to do and enjoy the things I would normally enjoy doing, like reading, cooking, baking, exercising, watching movies, journaling, and even being under the ray of sunlight. Everything seems dull and boring now and yet I am longing for any bit of work I can get on my hands. I am a creature of habits. I am a mosaic of patterns. I am a museum of meanings. And as for now, I’m traveling, by seeking solitude and comfort out of my comfort zone.

so, how have you been lately?

Surprisingly, during this time, I had the courage to attempt writing ‘mediocre stuff’ again. I can’t remember how long it has been since I picked up a pen or opened a new doc file and filled it with words and meanings. For me, writing is just one way of being creative, and in the past, it had been the easiest way to get my feelings and thoughts out. The way to create various expressions of art is to destroy ordinary concepts and substitute them with new truths that resonate with me. To be honest, when it’s just you and words on a black and white page, creating something that comes from such a vulnerable place, like from the top of your head and out of your heart is scary. For a time being, I thought it doesn’t really measure up to the viciousness of vulnerability that I felt, and as hard as it sounds, I stopped writing. Sometimes, life, people, things, and priorities change, and I believe it’s a matter of understanding that. But sometimes, I wondered, ‘When did I stop being excited to express and to create? I miss feeling excited to be inspired. I miss feeling entertained to create. I hope I gain that back soon enough because art is to be shared. And as for now, I am trying, and little by little, I think, I will start writing again, at my own pace and time.

so, how have you been lately?

I tried overcoming my reader’s block by reading Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi, and I loved how it tapped into real emotions. I love dissections of human behavior and the way we collide in the real world. Although it’s slow and minimal, there’s so much heart in this book. There’s one passage that goes, like this, “Water flows from high places to low places. That is the nature of gravity. Emotions also seem to act according to gravity. When in the presence of someone with whom you have a bond, and to whom you have entrusted your feelings, it is hard to lie and get away with it. The truth just wants to come flowing out. This is especially the case when you are trying to hide your sadness and vulnerability. It is much easier to conceal sadness from a stranger, or from someone you don’t trust.” I don’t want to spoil too much, so I would rather end this one with two questions, ‘Have you concealed your feelings for others?’ and ‘If you could go back, who would you want to meet?’

Thus, I finished reading 3 books this week and so far, I’m little content with my progress.

so, how have you been lately?

Recently, one of my pillars of support, my girl embarked on her journey to real life and went overseas. I’ll never forget the time when we first met each other in Basic English class a couple of years back. During that time, overall, the freshman year of college was one of the most difficult, hardest, and loneliest times of my life. I remember being so broken inside and as someone who struggles greatly with expressing the more ‘disagreeable’ feelings, instead of letting the people around me know how upset, scared, hurt, and lonely I was, I chose to laugh and make jokes. So, I don’t usually say what’s on my mind. For a person like me, it can be difficult to show how much something means to me and how impactful it is because of personal walls and boundaries surrounding my feelings. On top of that, I have a strong desire for winning as well. I’m a bit arrogant in a way, but at the same time, I’m very sensitive, and I have a strong pride as well. In short, I’m just a complex and messed-up person. I remember reading this quote somewhere, which says, ‘When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in, it lets the sun in.’ And it reminded me of her. The time when she walked into the library and slowly approached me with her smile, I thought that she had something kind and warm inside her heart. Something very pure and wonderful. She’s that light and sun that knocked on my world, and I let her in. I wish that it didn’t sound this serious but my mind is quite serious. For me, more than anything, she has something special, and inside her, there is a strength, which could make that special thing shine even brighter. She’s the center of our group’s ‘energy’ but, I also see her as being the ‘glue’ that holds everyone together because, for people like her, others feel her absence. I feel her absence, greatly, but with the path we chose, and the future on our side, I know we will meet again. And with that, I am looking forward to that day to come.

so, how have you been lately?

Currently, I am looking for some reassurance and peace of mind. I think we break things but we break ourselves better. Maybe I trust the fragile parts of myself too easily and question everything that is content and stable in my life. Sure, it’s hard sometimes, but that fragile part allows me to appreciate the people around me, and to let them know. Over the last couple of days, I’ve been trusting the process, cherishing what matters, being okay at what we are not, what we hoped to be, and being kind to others and especially myself, as well. I am grateful for the way how I drink up every bit of color, sound, shape, pattern, meaning, thought, feeling, and person around me and how I soak up every moment, which transforms into fond memories, mental pictures, and videos of my experiences. It’s like watching a film and looking into someone else’s nostalgia but only in my mind. With that, I can’t help but wonder, what the next chapter holds for me? Until then, I will be waiting patiently and looking forward to it.

so, how have you been lately? Ask yourself about it. Ask others about it. Tell me about it. Tell yourself about it. Tell others about it.

The universe is expanding. I hope it’s being kind to you, too. Until then. Just say when.

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